The neurotic evolution of the American woman has taken another
confident stride forward. A recent issue of Cosmopolitan offers
readers this nugget guarenteed to make the capricious diet industry
stand up and take notice: "The average [male] ejaculate has about five
calories, so it really isnt a problem, even for carefull dieters".
Cosmo counts calories in blowjobs! The magazine, which presumably
knows its audience as well as anyone, assumes its readers are mostly
swallowers. But just in case, the article also includes how-to-info on
an ancient Chinese method of oral stimulation called the "Jade Flute",
which, when properly performed, causes lucky recipiants to lose
consciousness before climax, thereby ensuring a calorie-free sexual
congress. Prior to this ground breaking discovery, most Western
scholars considered rice to be the inscrutable secret of slim-waisted
Asian women. The following is a partial comparison of ingrediants and
nutritive content in semen and Stouffers' Lean Cuisine Beef Cannelloni
with Tomato Sauce:

    SEMEN              LEAN CUISINE BEEF CANNELLONI W/ TOMATO SAUCE
citric acid               cooked macaroni product
fructose                  sugar
protein                   protein
sodium                    sodium
chloride ammonia          autolyzed yeast extract
ascorbic acid             erythorbic acid
acid phosphate            dried beef stock
calcium                   calcium
carbon dioxide            garlic
cholesterol               cholesterol
prostaglandins            riboflavin
creatinine                soy protein concentrate
other minerals            caramel coloring
numerous chemicals        natural flavorings
ave serving size: 1 tbsp  ave serving size: 9 5/8 oz
calories: 5               calories: 210