This story is unnamed, although it has appeared in alt.tasteless under 
the topic heading "Anal Rape and Bovine Blowjobs".  It also appeared 
originally in alt.svens.house.of.12.year-old.lust under the name "101 
Uses For a Sausage Biscuit".  I feel the latter title is more appropriate.
This story was written by Allen Wintermute, although it blatantly rips-off 
The Greaseman, Ren & Stimpy, The Terminator, Deliverance, Barney & Friends,
The Cowboy Way, The Dead Milkmen, and Nikolas Mack's "Safe-Sex with Spam" 
stories.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  It was a night much like tonight.  Dr. Sucalooski was dreaming 
peacefully.  His dreaming mind danced with images of penguins.  The 
penguins in his dream were amazingly sexy.  Every single one of them was 
menstruating and the entire tuxedoed congregation were chanting over and 
over in their squeaky penguin voices, "What's black and white and red all 
over?  Black and white and red all over..."
  The doctor drooled in his sleep, overcome with both lust and 
tranquilty.  But something was wrong.  He felt uncomfortable.  He tried 
to concentrate on the beautiful penguins and how their bodies jiggled 
when they waddled, but he just couldn't shake the distant sensation of pain.
  It was like constipation, or possibly a visit to a less-than gentle 
proctologist.  The dream melted away.  Dr. Sucalooski woke up.  He was 
sweating.  He ached.  What was going on?  The doctor sat up and tried to 
think.
  Dr. Sucalooski's hand slid under the pillow as he attempted to position 
himself upright.  Cold metal contacted his fingers.  It was a small pile 
of coins.  Further inspection revealed $2.25 in quarters under the pillow.
  Disgust gripped him.  The doctor hoped to hell this wasn't what it 
looked like.  His hand went to his aching butt.  His rectum was raw.  He 
had just been visited by the butt-fairy and now had nothing to show for 
it but a sore ass and a few coins under the pillow.
  How had this supposedly mythical sodomist gained access to his 
bedroom?  He was enraged at this violation of his happy home.  Dr. 
Sucalooski made a small search of his home.  In his daughter's bedroom he 
found the windowscreen had been shredded.  Obviously a very large 
creature had climbed in.  Rage gripped him like claw that tugged on his 
stomach.  He could taste bile in his throat.  His rectum was no big 
deal.  The damage would heal and he got some pocket change out of it.  
But he wasn't about to let this anally fixated fairy anywhere near his 
daughter.  She was only 12 for Christ's sake!
  Dawn found Dr. Sucalooski waiting outside the shop of the local gunsmith.
  "Morning Phil!", said the friendly proprietor, who happened to also be 
one of Dr. Sucalooski's patients.
  "Morning Bob.  I got some problems I don't have the time to go into 
right now, but I really could use some of your wares."
  "Well, okay", Bob grinned, "Let me show you the 870 Wingmaster, quite 
possibly the best pump-action 12 gauge ever mass-produced."
  The gun was beautiful.  Dr. Sucalooski wanted more.  "Got any 
handguns?  I want to try some of those Black Talon bullets I keep hearing 
about on the news."
  An assortment of handguns and high-trauma ammunition was presented.
  "220 Watt phased plasma rifle?"
  "Hey, just what you see, pal."
  Phil returned home with an impressive array of munitions.  He had to 
work quickly if he wanted to have his trap set by tonight.  The project 
was completed much faster than he had expected and he spent some time 
with his daughter watching their favorite evening television shows: Wheel 
of Fortune, Family Matters, and Studs.
  His daughter was tucked in all comfy in her blue and pink sheeted bed.  
The doctor returned to his room and began loading the assortment of 
firearms he had purchased.
  Less than an hour later, Phil began to hear some noises.  They began 
quietly but were increasing in volume.  One of the sounds was definately 
his daughter's voice.  Crouching outside the bedroom door he heard the 
conversation:
  "C'mon now, squeal like a pig!"
  "WheeeeEEEeeeeeEEEeeee!"
  "Louder!"
  "WHEEEEEEeeeeeeee!"
  "Louder!  Squeal Louder!"
  "WHEEEEEEEEEE!"
  Phil could stand to hear no more.  He lept into the doorway with his 
weapon drawn.  What he saw shocked him so badly that he hesitated for 
several moments.
  The creature molesting his daughter was huge.  It was also a sickening 
shade of bright purple with a green belly.  The creature was wearing a 
set of fake fairy-wings and a pair of Groucho-glasses.  The disguise 
almost worked.  It took Phil a minute to recognize that this creature was 
a being thought to be extinct millions of years ago.  This was the giant 
Pedophilosaurus Max, the terrible dinosaur that ruled the Geriatric Era 
long ago.
  Phil pulled the trigger of his deal-o-veal, a gun that fired live veal 
calves at it's target.  The white and black splotched calf soared through 
the air headed straight for its target.  The shot was a direct hit.  The 
calf hit the butt-fairy directly in his exposed genitals.  There was a 
crunch as the baby cow bit down with all its might.
  The butt-fairy was screaming quite loudly now.  Dr. Sucalooski didn't 
envy it.  Calves teeth aren't made for chewing meat, they have to wear 
their food down with a constant grinding motion.  The calf was obviously 
wearing something down as the fairy's screams became higher and higher 
pitched.
  Phil acted fast.  He dove for the lever that activated the trap door.  
A dark hole opened up in the floor below the purple dinosaur.  He fell 
into the giant vat of Spam below.  The evil creature's last words were, 
"Oh my god, it's so pink and slippery!"
  As the butt-fairy sunk below the surface of the Spam, it gave Phil a 
look that still chills him to this day.