From: nmaack@alfred.carleton.ca (Nikolaus Maack) Newsgroups: alt.svens.house.of.12.year-old.lust Subject: Masturbating with Spam Message-ID: Date: 5 Mar 94 08:08:33 GMT Wow. Now I suddenly understand why you all love spam so much. 4am. Downtown. Bored. Pacing my apartment back and forth, trying to find something to do. Log on to the system. A message from a user. Masturbate with spam, he says. 5am. At the corner store. See a can of spam. Think, why not? Buy it. Bring it home. 5:25 am. The can of spam, dressed in soandex and a peek-a-boo bra looks inviting. I open it, and gently lick it. My erection becomes prominent. 6:30 am. One hour later, I'm spent, refreshed and content. My spam lover is smeared all over my body. 6:35 am. A quick shower and my lover is gone down the drain. How convenient. How quick. How slimey. 7:00 am. Stand on street corner preaching the word about spam fucking to civil servants going to work. 7:45 am. Arrested by burly police officers. 8:30 am. Locked in a padded cell. 9:00 am. Arts and Crafts in looneyville. I build an 8 foot tall sculpture I call "Spam Love" out of popsickle sticks. The other patients worship me like a god. 9:05 am. Sculpture gets knocked over by careless schizophrenic. I beat him to death with a red tube of paint. 9:45 am. Scheduled to have lobotomy at 10:30. 10:25 am. Looking forward to lobotomy. Doctor tells me I'm a good candidate as my brain is very large and juicy. Doctor looks at me funny. 10:45 am. Doctor has smuggled me out of the hospital to his home, and is trying to engage me in strange acts. I tell him about Spam. He becomes very excited and makes some notes, then goes out and buys 80 cans of spam, and a vat, and begins filling the vat with spam. 12:00 am. Vat is filled with spam. Doctor jumps in and drowns in spam, but dies happy. Last words: "Oh my god, it's so pink and slippery." 2:00 pm. Log on to system and type it in on Doc's expensive 486. I plan on spending the rest of the day printing out my SAFE SEX WITH SPAM pamphlet on the late Doc's laser printer. The pamphlet will consist mostly of the words "Don't fuck spam in a big vat." More later. Nik