"Where Tofu Comes From" by Allen Wintermute:
This was typed up in July of 1994, although I've been telling this story 
since 1989.
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  This is something I found out about a few years ago and I strongly feel 
the general public has a right to know.  Everything here is absolutely 
true and I have verified all the facts personally.  I just have to decide 
where to begin.  I guess I should start at the sheep.
  Have you ever seen a dead sheep?  Probably not.  There's a good reason 
for this.  Sheep are amazing animals with many behaviors that still are 
not understood by the scientific community.  One of these unexplained 
sheep mysteries involves the existence of secret sheep burial grounds.  
When a sheep dies, the other sheep drag him to one of these burial places 
and put him to rest.  There is a legend that says that any creature 
buried in one of these very special sites will be capable of returning 
from its grave.
  The legend of the Sheep Sematary is a true one, and dead 
sheep do come back.  Unfortunately the ground is spoiled.  How the earth 
of the Sheep Sematary was spoiled is a long and complicated story.  For 
now, suffice it to say that it involved the members of several 
fraternities, a lack of available commodes, and a fortified malt-liquor 
beverage known only as "Barfing Cat Brew".
  When a sheep returns from the dead, it undergoes a a change in its 
personality.  Zombie sheep have but one thing on their mind: constant 
masturbation.  That's right, when a sheep returns from the dead it begins 
chronically abusing itself with such enthusiasm that it eventually dies 
of the strain within a few days.
  Another amazing fact about sheep is that they are all born black.  
You see very few black sheep these days, but this is due to the fact that 
soon after birth, young lambs usually become stained white.  The constant 
mutton slapping of the resurrected members of the herd stains everything 
nearby white.
  Now a lot of people are skeptical to believe this part of my story.  
Their logic is that if everything were to be stained white, you would not 
see so many sheep with black faces and feet.  I myself have always 
wondered how sheep manage to keep their faces and feet black when all 
the rest of their body is white.  After much careful observation I have 
come to the realization that sheep have very long prehensile tongues.  A 
sheep is capable of licking its entire face clean with a single 
nonchalant swipe.
  Now many ranchers and other owners of sheep have for years tried to 
find a way to cash in on this amazing animal phenomenon.  One of the 
first ideas was to create a sheep theme park in which people would pay 
admission to walk along observation catwalks and see various exhibits 
involving real live sheep burying their dead, digging their way out of 
their graves, jerkin' the gherkin, staining each other, cleaning their 
faces and feet, eventually dying of over-masturbation, being reburied the 
second and final time, and other important events in the life-cycle of a 
sheep.
  The problem with this idea was the sheer overhead cost of running such 
a theme park.  Not only did the exhibits need to be surrounded with 
splatterguards and the guests given raincoats and goggles, but it soon 
became apparent that every pane of glass in the splatterguard would have 
to be equipped with a device similar to an automotive windshield wiper.
  Another moneymaking scheme came about when it was found that special 
combs could be used to comb much of the residue from a sheep's wool.  
This residue was of such a consistency that it would hold it's shape when 
pressed into blocks
  Sheep owners racked their brains trying to discover a marketable use 
for these blocks of sheep-semen residue.  It was too sticky to use as an 
automotive lubricant, too opaque to be a hairdressing compound, and not 
quite firm enough to be used by sculptors.  A company that sold packing 
materials considered using it as cushioning when shipping fragile items 
but it's weight made that idea too expensive.
  Finally, a particularly bright sheep-owner who had delayed selling his 
herd to a condom-testing factory while awaiting the outcome of this 
sheep-semen residue discovery, had the idea that if marketed as an 
"all-natural" health food, people might actually buy it.
  The resulting product is still sold today under the name "Tofu".  
Clever marketers of tofu have managed to avoid truth-in-advertising 
lawsuits by feeding their sheep nothing but soyabeans.  This makes it 
more-or-less actually true when tofu purveyors claim their all-natural 
product "comes" from soyabeans.
  The moral of the story:
        "Never buy tofu from a farmer with a lot of black sheep."